try to be a king but the ace is back

you've broken me.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 20:42:40 GMT

so i was reading all these people's myspaces. and how their all interconnected.

all people i know. and how i'm so out of the loop.

i dont think i belong in the group i thought i did. i'm more of a space filler than anything.

i'm not one of those people who make something of themselves. i dont lead. i dont ever do anything cool. i just am.

but thats alright. i have branden and he's all i'll ever need.

he and i will have all the makeout parties in the world. in our little apartment.

OH BIG NEWS.

for anybody who doesnt already know.

branden and i are going to get married.

i'm so excited.

its going to be fantastic.

so fuck everybody else. because i have a lifelong love.

i dont need a group.

i dont need anything. except him. and maybe alcohol.

history continues itself, continues itself

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 03:30:46 GMT

so today everybody started school.

except me.

i had an interview. at craft warehouse. and i blew it. out of the fucking water right into the parking lot.

but oh well. there will be many more interviews.

and hopefully one of them will be successful.

i guess branden and i are going to move into an apartment of our own.

we've decided there is not enough motivation between the four of us.

which is good. because now we get to have a little love nest. or it will become branden's final resting place.

whichever comes first.

and then i get to decorate it all cool. and a mix of girly and punky. but not poser punky. good punk.

i'm thinking the misfits meets hello kitty.

yay!!!

speaking of the misfits, theres this teeshirt that i'm dying to have. its from hot topic which is not good. but its so cute. it says we are the misfits and theres three cartoon girls from the eighties with the eightees goth makeup and crazy animal print outfits out.

HOT.

my new theory is that if i acquire hot looking clothes, it will, in turn, make me hot.

or ridicolusly unattractive.

this pain is slightly pleasant

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 00:49:39 GMT

so things have been super stupid.

everythings all "oh no they didnt!" rival gang style.

its seriously THE most juvenile thing since jesus descended from heaven one december night.

like everytime someone sees THEM they come up all telling me the gossip.

i say THEM because its more fun that way.

but i dont care. its not ruining my life not having jessica. its actually more pleasant.

theres WAY less drama, my addictive personality has lessened probably a hundredfold and shock of shocks i'm happy. i'm not worried what i'm gonna say is going to cause something to happen.

and theres no use feeling all dumb about it. its over. done and done. even though it was ridiculous and i still dont understand half of it. its already in the past. and there is no use looking back on something like that.

the only thing that really hurts is that i find out now that she was talking shit back then, when we were supposed to be friends. thats just fucked up.

and i'm surprised how mature i've been about the whole thing, usually when these kinds of things happen, i expect people to take sides, thus setting myself up for a HUGE disappointment and i'm crushed.

but this time, i dont expect anything of anyone. its fine with me if someone wants to be friends with both of us. its their lives. i have no right to tell them what to do.

so thats it.

that was my space to vent.

and oddly, i'm not mad thinking about all of it. i'm just...nothing.

but branden is still my love. and my best friend. and margaret is still my nougat. and ajah and karie are still my aces (i think?). and the boys are still my boys.

and my life is pretty much great. and i'm happy with the choices i make and the people i'm with.

if you can't get down, dont try to get up

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 03:35:03 GMT

so this weekend. i should say week. has been great.

i played with branden the whole time.

most of the week, meaning monday thru thursday i mainly spent hanging out at branden's while he was at work.

i felt like such a little housewife, watching soaps and maury. and talking to the tv like youve never seen.

and then friday, i got my check. so we hardcore played.

i think friday night we umm.... i cant even remember what we did friday night. i know we did something.

saturday, we went to seaside. it was raining like jesus was crying a fucking river, but we had fun. we fed the seals. the little baby ones are sooo cute. and we went into all the stores, and rode all the rides, and played at the arcade. and I ATE CLAM CHOWDER. i never eat clam chowder. it was really good too.

and then we came home, and i think we took a nap, got up went to reedville cafe at like ten and watched collateral. what a fucked up movie. crazy.

and sunday (i keep thinking today is sunday) we went shopping with branden's cousin rosie, and then we went with jason to their friend deans house. that was fun, i thought it was really neat seeing the boys with their boys. \

and we went and picked up randy from the airport.

i think thats it. but i'm going to be all punk rock now and look for new pins. for my pretend leather.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 18:57:04 GMT

♠

♠

♠

this must be the end...

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 22:27:50 GMT

so i love how suddenly branden and i had to change friends faster than a pair of golf pants.

like out of nowhere, we were out of the loop. well. i guess everbody was except jessica and brandon.

everybody being me and branden and margaret. my sweet sweet momo.

but its all good. we're thinking the old crew is cooler anyway. more people. diversity. no drama. YEAH.

anyway. things have been good. not great but not bad. branden and i have been together for a year and a half now. wow. its been so awesome. i love him more than anything. like we were talking about it and i was saying you're supposed to keep your friends closer than your boyfriends, but honestly you are my best friend. and branden was all yeah you're my best friend too. and we hugged. and then i said, move i have to poop.

our relationship in a nutshell.

things like that fucking crack me up. i heart it so much.

does anybody wanna go camping this weekend???

theres always something trying to stop me

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 00:48:45 GMT

so things have been absolutely wonderful.

branden and i are going to move into an apartment with randy and kyle in a couple of weeks.

we're going to live in the apartments near willow creek. YES.

PERMANENT FUCKING PARTY.

so all the aces are so invited there like any time. unless i am getting laid.

and now, if there are people i dont like i can be all oh youre here? hm. get the fuck out.

awesome.

i'm so going to look for a new job this weekend. my job fucking blows and it kills me inside.

so in lieu of all these great things, i am certain something will go horribly wrong.

and i wait.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE INFORMATION?

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 00:13:19 GMT

okay so yesterday was a whole ton of drama.

jessica comes over with margaret and brandon and is all sorts of pissed off at branden and tells him that he called her a bitch and she wont tell him who said it and she wont talk to him and then she totally killed him inside by telling him that theyre not friends anymore. and branden freaks out on her and says all these stupid things he didnt mean and apparently nobody knows whats going on, which i think is kind of a lie, and now branden and i feel like we've been excommunicated from the whole group.

and if ANYBODY knows ANYTHING i would seriously appreciate some info.

meanwhile, branden and i are going to look for an apartment this weekend! i'm so excited. i guess we're going to move in with kyle and randy. oh oh oh.
i will be so in love like 24 hours a day if this happens.

and the other drama is that it seems like everybodys getting into hardcore drugs. and i'm terrified. i hate that fucking shit. i know that its not everybody but it certainly seems that way to me.

and all this shit makes me want to fucking leave and never come back. i hate it. i hate not knowing whether i should call jessica and ask for my stuff back, or if i should try and let her know that branden DID NOT say that about her.

seriously drama fucking sucks.

so sweet and so white

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 19:46:23 GMT

so its been hotter than a motherfucker these past few days. its literally killing me.

except for the fact that

a. i went shopping

b. i went to tsunami bomb

c. i've been with branden the past 2 days. in a row.

thursday. fucking over 95 degrees and i'm working outside. all day. needless to say, i threw the fuck up and went home.

friday i was supposed to go to work and instead i slept until 11, and blew $200 shopping.

went to 23rd. bought a really cute shirt. bought branden a pirate shirt that is oh so cute.

bought some fucking designer lemonade. oh god was it delicious.

went to lloyd, bought a pair of green and pink low tops and a pebbles shirt that says baby got back.

and i bought one of those car cd adapters for my car but it doesnt fucking work and its pissing me off like whoa.

and i went to tsunami bomb. fucking awesome. except fucking pipe down. goddamn do i hate core bands.

but i do love tsunami bomb, and having the lead singer of pipe down accidentally say agent m's real name.

and talking shit about everybody with kyle. and loving kyle to the fullest.
what a little fag/mic/fatty.

hahaha.

well, i think i'm going to go get the cords for my dvd player and hook it up.

HAHAHAHA

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 20:46:11 GMT

i seriously live for moments when i say things and people get all kinds of pissed off. it really makes my day to know that what i say affects people like that.

christine, you have no room to talk about being fat. i know that i am excessively obese, however, i dont try to wear miniskirts that are made for size 5 girls, not size 15. and i DO NOT let my fat gut hang over my pants. thats fucking disgusting.
i dont know why, but it always seems to me like whatever i have you want passionatly.

i have branden, and you (from what i've heard) want him terribly. whats funny about that is how absolutely disgusting he thinks you are. just hearing your name makes him shudder.

and thats sad.

nicole or however you spell your name, i was trying to be polite, its something that people who are grown up do. i know that its totally punk rock to say whats on your mind whenever any kind of thought pops up in your drugged up mind, but "grown ups" do not.

to quote christine "its my fucking journal and i can type whatever the fuck i want. if you dont like it DONT READ IT YOU STUPID BITCH."

and so i did. i saved you the embarassement of having someone bitch you out. i thought i would just let you think you made my day and started a great relationship with mike all over again.

unfortuately, i dont want any kind of relationship with mike. i'm not jealous of you, you can have him. i'm simply finished with that part of my life. when knocking over trash cans was cool.

jenny, if you even read this. i'm not mad at you, i'm upset at your actions. and i feel bad for kyle, because its hard to see him so tied up over his first girlfriend like this.

we want to make him feel better and unfortunately part of helping him is telling him how much we dont like you.

ZERO

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 05:40:15 GMT

umm so yeah mike swaja is a big fucking liar.

seriously. he pisses me off. fucking liar.

moving to other people that piss me off, nichole, or however you spell her name, mike's (ex)girlfriend. she seriously follows me around miller west.

what the fuck. talking all the time, about mike and the baby, i really dont give a fuck. that whole part of my life, the one where i actually gave a shit about mike is over, and now i dont care. the other thing is why does she care so much if i like her or not, honestly she seems like such a huge brownnoser the way she acts around me. as if it is so important that we become friends, much less aquaintances.

the other thing that is seriously making me mad is that it seems today every time i am looking at someone's journal and i go to someone else's, its somebody i hate with a passion like spree or christine.

so i'm gonna go fuck some shit up with them and see what trouble i can't cause.

whoa oh a ohhh oh oh

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 21:08:25 GMT

so i am at work, and supposed to be working, but lo and behold i am not.

this weekend was not that bad but not the greatest, i mean the events that occurred were good, but the incidents with people were not so good.

i dont mean to bitch, however, this is my journal so i will bitch all i want.

i had some problems with the aces, such as expecting me to make sure they had everything while i was trying to deal with my parents suddenly coming home.

or the whiskey and vodka dilemma. it made me kind of mad that they were all upset that judy didnt get the vodka, when she went out of her way just to get us anything and they didnt give her any money for that bottle.
the whiskey thing wasnt me, per say, but branden. we both felt that since our seagram's was nearly gone and we had opened that bottle the night before, they owed us some. however they didnt agree with that.

but whatever, its in the past.

jason said THE sweetest thing to me though, we were talking about our best friend, the person you know you could tell anything to and not worry about what theyre going to say, and jason was saying that i was lucky that i found branden (who truly is my best friend) so soon. and that i know that he loves me and will take care of me, and no matter what happens, i'm gonna have someone in my ring.

it was so gutwrenchingly sweet.

speaking of my dumbface, he called me today and we're going to WARPED TOUR. i guess mike swaja gave him two tickets and so now we get to go. i am so excited!!!!

BRUCE LEE

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 01:35:34 GMT

ohhhh so i got a kitten today. my beautiful little bruce fucking lee. he's so gorgeous with a capital G.

and yesterday was a shitload better, i went shopping on hawthorne with jessica and branden, and i got an aces lighter, flip flops and a pebbles and bamm bamm tee.

and the best part of the day. I FUCKING GOT MY LIP PIERCED. its oh so gorgeous.
it barely hurt and i got it done by some fucking mustached arabian lady who wanted to be named cuntessa.

its kinda sore, but not like burning a hole in my face sore. it only hurts when something knocks against it.

the worst part is my dad is doing this whole eliminate bella from fucking existance campaign and acting like i'm not there. my mom will talk to me, but not to my face.

oh well. maybe this is a good thing.

much love.

All these thoughts of you, oh they make me sick

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 23:21:36 GMT

So I started my job on Monday, yes me, the world renown procrastinator has a job. incredible.

its not bad, its not really good either, its a job though. and its money. and its freedom from boredom. and its getting away from the house.

all of which i consider to be worth working for.

so yeah, i'm happy to have all of those things, BUT, i dont enjoy never seeing my boo. nevereverever seeing my nougats, and always sleeping.

i go out every morning wishing i could just sleep in and not have to work, wishing i could just spend a day with the kids and not have to work, wishing that i could do anything but work.

and its only been 4 days.

actually i dont think its the work i mind, its the getting up at 7. thats bad news.

so i miss everyone terribly.

hopefully i will get to go shopping and enjoy the outside world.

GG ALLIN

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 03:24:36 GMT

i was listening to drink fight and fuck and thinking what a kickass song it is.

seriously, gg has so much...fucking balls.

i want to be him when i grow up.

if you dont believe me, ask branden if you can fucking see the song i wrote for chunky bones and the skeletoids.

heavy shit!

Nigga What?

Wed, 26 May 2004 02:10:11 GMT

so fucking great news.

MARGARET AND BRANDON ARE DATING! finally. it took like what 109 days for them to finally get together.
its really exciting, except for the fact that i got demoted in the car + me and branden had to hang around jessica's last night doing nothing while margaret and brandon were in the wetlands "talking" and jessica and ryan were in her room fucking "not doing anything".

like thats not fucking code.

i seriously wanted to shoot myself in the face.

but oh well. EVEN BETTER NEWS (for me anyway)

BRANDEN SCOTT TREADAWAY ZERVIS EVENHUS GOT A JOB!

which means money for me.

which means more alcohol for me. which means i'm gonna be a happy girl this summer.

which means more parties.

nasty

Wed, 19 May 2004 03:23:59 GMT

okay i just checked my email, and i havent opened it since like 1962, anyway, i open this one and its all bleeding vaginas.

fucking disgusting.

i nearly puked myself.

meanwhile. things are going splendiferously.

thats all.

the streets is military, you gotta be a soldier

Mon, 10 May 2004 05:56:52 GMT

oh god. my back.

fucking kills me.

but on the other hand, i just joined emothugz. yeah what now, behotch?

seriously, this back will be the death of me. i was crawling on my fucking floor last night. CRAWLING.

but uhh, this weekend. fucking spectacular.

friday:
went to eatza pizza. ate. ate. ATE. felt like i was preggo with a pizza baby.
had fun with jessica and the boys. actually had a lot of fun.
then i had mad casual sex with branden. but all married couple style. like hardly any kissing just doing it. and doing it good.

saturday:
went to hot box with my gangstars (branden, brandon, and jason). had hella fun.
went to rhineland to mad eat. and eat i did.

today:
just was lazy. gave momma her present. oh i'm so cool.

yep.
no plans this week. hit me. up.

WHIZZO

Wed, 05 May 2004 21:55:54 GMT

so i never fucking update one day after another, but i guess theres a first time for everything.

i miss when everyday was jessica and bella have their own reality show day. when my days were filled with crazy shit and funny words, like fuckstrated.

i miss competing with jessica over who could make their boyfriend the most annoyed in the world. i really miss planning shopping days months ahead of time.

its not that i dont like that she has other friends, or that her best friend is back, its that we had this whole bond thing going on, and i never had that kind of bond with any other girl.

and it was so...nice. so cool. it made me wish i had bonded with other girls before and not waited this long.

like now, i feel like i have to beg her to hang out with me, and then pray to god that rosie and reyna havent already decided what theyre going to do that day.

or i have to go to the skatepark and wait and hope that she'll show up.

i guess i've just had that on my mind for a while, and its been making me kind of sad, i love rosie, dont get me wrong and i love having rosie jessica and bella time. but what i dont hate is when they go off on how things used to be, how great it always was. all this crazy stuff they used to do, and i feel invisible.

because they all do it. branden, ryan, jessica and rosie. all talk about the past for so long. and i have nothing to say, i wasnt there. i didnt even know what was going on then, i had my own problems and i wasnt cool enough to hang out with them, let alone talk to them.

so yeah i'm a little resentful, but hey its not the worst thing that could happen and its not ruining my life. i guess i just needed to vent a little, but i hope to god that no one takes offense to this. at all. i dont want any more drama for anyone. i'm not making a public complaint, i'm just being opinionated, like i always am.

slowly the pen touches paper...

Tue, 04 May 2004 05:12:47 GMT

so, i thought i would update (something i rarely do).

my weekend was good. friday got really drunk, had fun with margaret and jessica until the puke fest started.

g ross. but after that was okay, went to saturday market with judy and branden, had fun and got to bond with judy.

i've been sorta stressed out about the whole graduating thing. but its relatively over now, and i really have nothing to worry about. i guess i was stressed because i was sure that i wouldnt make it, and it seemed like no one else did either. plus, its not like i can really celebrate in front of branden, he gets all pissy about it and starts acting like i'm glad he didnt graduate or whatever.

sometimes that boy seriously pisses me off. like when he thinks i need to be protected from the outside world.

so, since my brother is standing over me, i think i will depart.

ho's plenty

Sun, 02 May 2004 23:15:29 GMT

so i stole this from a ms. sara durfey. one of the coolest jews i could know. i would never shove her in an oven, despite the fact that i'm a nazi.

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::	New Amsterdams
Are you female or male::	Adeline, Out of Tune
Describe yourself::	Dramaqueen
How do some people feel about you::	Are You True?
How do you feel about yourself::	Hanging on For Hope
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::	Proceed With Caution
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::	I Won't Run Away
Describe where you want to be::	Forever Leaving
Describe what you want to be::	Hover Near Fame
Describe how you live::	Asleep at The Wheel
Describe how you love::	When We Two Parted
Share a few words of wisdom::	Never Treat Others

Bands // Song Titles brought to you by BZOINK!

Video Killed My Motherfucking Radio

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 03:33:32 GMT

So... things have been, hectic.

well, actually frustrating. and it has sucked. bad. like branden being a liar and then us getting in a huge fight and almost breaking up.

seriously blew ass.

so, i guess i'm better. but everytime i start thinking about it i get all pissed off all over again. like really pissed off. like i want to tell him off all over again.

and i hate feeling like that. seriously i do.

i hate that now i know he's lucky to have me, because i never thought that before. i hate seeing him in this whole 'youre a bad person' light, because i always saw him through the whole 'beautiful dumbface' light.

what i really hate most is that he lied to me. straight out to my face lied. and it wasnt even a good reason.

its ridiculous.

so i'm really trying to forgive him, but i find myself saying i could trust him, but i know that he might be lying so i wont.

so thats my story. i guess i'll stick to it until something more interesting comes along.

GUESS WHO I AM FUCKING?

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 18:17:17 GMT

ROSIE. hahahahahahahaahahahahaha.

because, apparently i am a HUGE i mean fucking H U G E dyke.

oh yes, i love eating pussoui. thats french for pussy.

you heard me. p u s s y.

take that, heather.

too bad my boyfriend is stupid

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 00:23:42 GMT

uhh so branden fucking lies out of his ass like a motherfucking liar.
and that seriously pisses me off like whoa. not even like whoa, like motherfuckingwhoa. like ohmygodyou'resuchafuckingliarwhoa.

anyway, so i feel bad that i even fucking thought that jessica would say that about me. i dont know why i believed, i guess i just thought that she was all like oh so rosie so much cooler than bella.

but now i know thats not the truth. and i feel bad. i also feel bad that i accidentally, truthfully accidentally, said something about rosie that i didnt even mean to say. it wasnt even about her, and i just feel like such an asshole.

meanwhile........................................................

days are long and nights are gone

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 02:07:59 GMT

so much unneccessary drama, i cant stand it.

like this whole i hate you and you dont even know it bullshit. or maybe the hey, you suck i'm ditching you thing.

anyway, hopefully its all behind me now. HOPEFULLY.

you know what really annoys me? boogers. they're always there. there is never a day i dont have a gazillion boogers fucking lodged in my nose. and they all fucking itch like crazy. and apparently, its gross to pick them. so theres nothing i can do as soon as they start attacking my nose.

meanwhile. fucking branden. what a little wonderful kid. i heart him so much. except now i'm getting super pissed because of the whole booger thing. as soon i start thinking about it, they itch.

oh ginger. shes so cute. she came over and rolled on the ground next to me. i always want to fucking love all over her.

well, i'm being super retarded and i want to watch kill bill.